Decisions
We met with the oncologist today to discuss my treatment options. I can watch and monitor it which means CT scans & blood work every 3 months for the first year, then every 4, then every 6 for the next 5 years. Or I can have a surgery to remove the lymph nodes. The surgery will be pretty intense, and I'll probably miss about 6 weeks of work. I won't be able to do anything strenuous for 2 months after the surgery.
My wife and I are taking a few days to pray about this. I don't want to have surgery, but I also don't want to spend the next 5 years wondering if next time I go in, they'll find cancer and I have to have the surgery anyway.
For the last few weeks, its almost been like this never happened, but today, I was reminded of it all again. I'm committed to doing what it takes to get through this, but it is hard on me mentally right now. I'm distracted and have trouble when I need to focus. My mood swings, at times, wildly up and down. I know its a stress thing, but it just makes it really hard.
The thing I hate the most is that I am supposed to finish school in three weeks – something I've been looking forward to for 3 years. I have been so looking forward to spending time with my wife and our kids and actually getting to be the husband/dad that I want to be, and now this has come up and I may be spending a few months laying down, not doing a whole lot.
I always said that when I finished this degree, I wanted to rest. Working full time, having a family and going to school with a 2 hour round trip commute 3 times a week has worn me down. I didn't really have this in mind for a way to get rest. 
I am still positive and I know that God will help me, but there are just so many decisions to be made. I really do appreciate your prayers more than you know.
April 20, 2006
3:03 am
